I Kill Some Innocent Ramen

In a senseless and random act of destruction, I inflicted mayhem upon the ramen noodle community. Last night I burned a pot of ramen as it stood cooking upon the stove. The close-knit ramen packet neighborhood is said to be devastated. Many of the council members have called for vengeance. If I ever reach for a ramen packet again, there'll be a slippery noodle on the floor with my name on it.

Burger Trouble

At an outdoor bbq, I made myself a delicious burger. I ate half of it. Then I lost it.
Burger, if you're reading this, I want you back baby. I swear, I'll treat you good from now on.

Geriatric Tomato

This tomato I bought a while ago has gotten really old and wrinkly and soggy. His prognosis is quite negative. Sooner or later I will have to admit him into my trash can. At least there he'll have lots of other decayed vegetable matter for company.

Nailed !

My fingernails are way too long. So they hurt me when I sneak in a quick discreet ass-scratch. Which takes all the fun out of the quick discreet ass scratch.

Lost

I went and lost four rechargeable batteries today. I have no idea where they are. Where the hell do lost things go? I wonder if this could be counted as evidence towards a parallel universe.

Goddammit

I did not update my blog today, and I had all these cool fuck ups.

I Get My Ass Kicked By Mouthwash

I just rinsed my mouth with Listerine mouthwash and while the bottle says to keep rinsing for thirty seconds, I couldn't. The mouthwash stung so bad, I had to spit it out in fifteen seconds. I'm off to film my training montage where I train my mouth to hold Listerine for more and more time. It would culminate in a slow motion shot of me spitting out mouthwash with an exhausted face and pulsating cheeks as I hold up a stop clock that has stopped at thirty seconds.

My Hair is B-A-D, Bad !

I should send my hair to Sally Jessy Raphael if it keeps disobeying me. Then Sally would send it to boot camp and it would come back reformed and frizz-free. As it is now, it gives me a bad attitude, talks back, gets bad grades, hangs out with the wrong crowd, and I gotta somehow stop its slide into iniquity before it goes and gets pregnant.

My Biggest Screw Up So Far

Since I enjoy nurturing my intellectual side, I watched an Ingmar Bergman movie today. The movie was about an anguished gentleman who spends ninety movie minutes in great angst and misery despite the fact that he inhabits a spectacular island retreat with a babelicious young Swedish blonde. Some people screw up way more than I do. Also, having learnt my lesson, I shall return to my roots and watch only Adam Sandler movies.

Vegetables Are Tricky Bastards

As part of a healthy diet, I rapidly consumed about half a pound of spinach a few minutes ago. I have just been informed that the remainder is quite stinky. Clearly, I need to update my knowledge of the symptoms of plant decay.

Trash Monkey

While pushing a large pile of trash from one side of my couch to the other, I sprained my back.

CSI, My Dirty Bathroom

A recent investigation has confirmed my worst suspicions. I have run out of toothpaste.

My Bag of Raisins

This morning I awoke to discover that my plastic bag full of raisins is torn at the bottom and hapless raisins are scattered everywhere. I was looking forward to a decent raisin breakfast.

I Pissed Off My Printer

I had to print something two pages long last evening. I realized that while I was at it, I might as well save the rainforest and kill two birds. So I decided to print on one page, flip the sheet over and print on the other side, thus conserving paper. It didn't work. The printer printed twice on the same side. This happened six times. I guess I'll have to move on to eradicating poverty.

WTF Happened to My Christopher Walken Impression ??

My God. I am shattered. My Christopher Walken impression has gone. I just said the lines from the 'More Cowbell' SNL sketch, to myself. They sound totally off. "I got a fever" comes out so bleh. I used to say "prescription" just like him. Not any more. I sound just like me failing miserably at doing Christopher Walken.

Onions Make Already Bad Breath Intolerable

It's true. Someone just spoke to me and abruptly swung his face away from me like he had just been shot in the face. He quickly backed away from me while sporting a very scrunched up face and holding his breath. This event occurred after I had eaten a lot of onions in the evening, having neglected to brush my teeth all day.
Hm. I have learned something useful.

Can It Be?

Have I really forgotten to brush my teeth all day today? I need to be more conscientious.

As God Is My Witness, I Will Never Sleep In A Bathroom Again

I worried that I would end up puking in my bed because I was nauseous from overdosing on potassium supplements. So I slept in the bathroom for an hour last night with a pile of smelly laundry, several magazines, a bathmat, my stalwart comrade the pail, and a friendly bottle of Tub and Tile Cleaner. Of the lot, the bathmate was the one who really liked to cuddle. The pile of dirty laundry was very rude and kept sticking its finger in my ass.

Potassium - Such An Enigma

Late last night, I decided to take control of my internal fluid and electrolyte balance system. So I took a few potassium tablets. In a few minutes, I felt extraordinarily nauseous. Also I desperately needed to go to the bathroom. I pulled up a pail in front of me while I sat on the er...potty.
I thought the only thing that could redeem this situation, and give me a story I could tell for years in drunken company, was if I managed to pull off the highly coveted and rare Poop-And-Puke Double Whammy Shockaroo.
But I didn't. Sigh.

Time Is My Enemy

Also I told my friends I'd meet them at the bowling alley in ten minutes. I talked to them five minutes ago. The bowling alley is fifteen minutes away. I'm wearing dirty clothes and I haven't showered. I better not raise my arms to give anyone a high five. Or I should remember to wear deodorant.

I Am A Raging Typhoon Of Sleepiness

I went to bed late last night. So now I am really sleepy. But I told some friends I would go bowling with them. Yargh.

Down With Pondering !

I am not sure how much I fucked up when that mover guy got pissed off. I cannot stop pondering this issue.
Shit, that's two fuck ups now from interacting with that mover guy. I wonder if the third fuck up would be to go and hire him.

Mover's Math. Yech.

While talking to a mover and asking for hourly rates, the guy told me that there was an additional charge for every 15 minutes after the first hour, with the hourly rate being $120. So I asked if the 15 minute rate thing was calculated as 120 divided by 60. And he said in an annoyed tone, "Or 120 divided by 4". 15 times 4 is 60. It has been burned into my brain, thanks to the pissed off mover guy.

Poor Teabags

I have erred. I forgot to mention that after fucking up my teakettle yesterday, I drank the tea that I had made, only this morning. And I haven't done anything about the teabags. They're still curled in a fetal position in the teacup.

Mmmfff

Every few weeks I make a solemn vow to stay the hell away from drinking ice-cold water. I broke it again just now and I have paid the price.
My front teeth hurt somewhat and my gums feel cold.

Ouch, My Leg

When I was getting up to leave this desk, my leg hit the bottom edge hard and loudly, thus startling the person sitting near by. One day I will learn how to move in a snake-like fashion. I would find that empowering.

Why Is This Girl Looking At Me?

I wanna know. Is it my hair?

Damn You, Summer

Today I was talking to someone when my allergies stopped to say hi. I had to frequently wipe and blow my nose alternating with that awful runny-nose juicy honk. It is always too late to tell whether one made those very visible snot strands from nostril to tissue. Also the ugly giant mass of napkin I used looks so gross.
But fate threw me a bone. The other person burped.

But...

I thought it was 7:45 pm. Turns out it's 10:45. How did it get so late so soon? Isn't it supposed to take longer to get so late?

Today I Look Bad

I wandered around in the bus all day today looking vaguely disreputable.

Shit, I Fucked Up My Kettle

I burnt my teakettle today. I left it on the stove too long. There's chips of yellow kettle paint all over the range. Today I learned that I suck at boiling water.
I will post pictures asap.