My Hair is B-A-D, Bad !

I should send my hair to Sally Jessy Raphael if it keeps disobeying me. Then Sally would send it to boot camp and it would come back reformed and frizz-free. As it is now, it gives me a bad attitude, talks back, gets bad grades, hangs out with the wrong crowd, and I gotta somehow stop its slide into iniquity before it goes and gets pregnant.