Plastic for The People

I forgot to activate my new check card and the old one expired. If anybody asks why I'm not paying for anything, I shall explain that I am taking a stand against the rampant greed of this evil consumerist society and I'm striking from now on against the wretched exploitation that comes from paying for stuff I want. Someone has to be a visionary, a pioneer and take a stand against big corporations that profit from brainwashing us into mindless simpletons!
Note to self: borrow five bucks for new Scooby-doo toothbrush and drinking cup set.

Alas...

I lost a sock this morning. Good bye, friend sock. Your odor absorbing capabilities will be greatly missed. May you play happily in the great dryer in the sky with my dearly beloved Spongebob underwear.

I Scream for Ice Scream

I recently consumed a fairly large quantity of ice cream using a quick and efficient technique of bites and gobbles that I developed. The biggest advantage of this technique is that it leaves your hands free to pursue other very productive and personally gratifying work. Sadly though, tests reveal that a significant portion of the ice cream ends up on the eater's face and not just the gullet. The quest for the George from Seinfeld Trifecta of Pleasure continues...

I Haven't Posted To This Blog Since Last Summer

Damn, I guess I screwed up.

Just Say No To Constipation

I OD'd on Immodium two days ago. Kids, I know all your buddies at school might tell you to just go swallow an Immodium pill when you don't feel so good. It's all part of this ridiculous 'if it feels good, do it' moral relativism crap that hippies have been throwing at us. But all the cool kids do it, you say. Hey think about this: maybe it's cool to stay away from Immodium. Maybe you can just contain urgent gut-busting diarrhea by getting high on life. That way you'll live a productive life exploring your limitless potential to poo when you need to.

I Kill Some Innocent Ramen

In a senseless and random act of destruction, I inflicted mayhem upon the ramen noodle community. Last night I burned a pot of ramen as it stood cooking upon the stove. The close-knit ramen packet neighborhood is said to be devastated. Many of the council members have called for vengeance. If I ever reach for a ramen packet again, there'll be a slippery noodle on the floor with my name on it.

Burger Trouble

At an outdoor bbq, I made myself a delicious burger. I ate half of it. Then I lost it.
Burger, if you're reading this, I want you back baby. I swear, I'll treat you good from now on.

Geriatric Tomato

This tomato I bought a while ago has gotten really old and wrinkly and soggy. His prognosis is quite negative. Sooner or later I will have to admit him into my trash can. At least there he'll have lots of other decayed vegetable matter for company.

Nailed !

My fingernails are way too long. So they hurt me when I sneak in a quick discreet ass-scratch. Which takes all the fun out of the quick discreet ass scratch.

Lost

I went and lost four rechargeable batteries today. I have no idea where they are. Where the hell do lost things go? I wonder if this could be counted as evidence towards a parallel universe.

Goddammit

I did not update my blog today, and I had all these cool fuck ups.

I Get My Ass Kicked By Mouthwash

I just rinsed my mouth with Listerine mouthwash and while the bottle says to keep rinsing for thirty seconds, I couldn't. The mouthwash stung so bad, I had to spit it out in fifteen seconds. I'm off to film my training montage where I train my mouth to hold Listerine for more and more time. It would culminate in a slow motion shot of me spitting out mouthwash with an exhausted face and pulsating cheeks as I hold up a stop clock that has stopped at thirty seconds.

My Hair is B-A-D, Bad !

I should send my hair to Sally Jessy Raphael if it keeps disobeying me. Then Sally would send it to boot camp and it would come back reformed and frizz-free. As it is now, it gives me a bad attitude, talks back, gets bad grades, hangs out with the wrong crowd, and I gotta somehow stop its slide into iniquity before it goes and gets pregnant.

My Biggest Screw Up So Far

Since I enjoy nurturing my intellectual side, I watched an Ingmar Bergman movie today. The movie was about an anguished gentleman who spends ninety movie minutes in great angst and misery despite the fact that he inhabits a spectacular island retreat with a babelicious young Swedish blonde. Some people screw up way more than I do. Also, having learnt my lesson, I shall return to my roots and watch only Adam Sandler movies.

Vegetables Are Tricky Bastards

As part of a healthy diet, I rapidly consumed about half a pound of spinach a few minutes ago. I have just been informed that the remainder is quite stinky. Clearly, I need to update my knowledge of the symptoms of plant decay.

Trash Monkey

While pushing a large pile of trash from one side of my couch to the other, I sprained my back.

CSI, My Dirty Bathroom

A recent investigation has confirmed my worst suspicions. I have run out of toothpaste.

My Bag of Raisins

This morning I awoke to discover that my plastic bag full of raisins is torn at the bottom and hapless raisins are scattered everywhere. I was looking forward to a decent raisin breakfast.

I Pissed Off My Printer

I had to print something two pages long last evening. I realized that while I was at it, I might as well save the rainforest and kill two birds. So I decided to print on one page, flip the sheet over and print on the other side, thus conserving paper. It didn't work. The printer printed twice on the same side. This happened six times. I guess I'll have to move on to eradicating poverty.

WTF Happened to My Christopher Walken Impression ??

My God. I am shattered. My Christopher Walken impression has gone. I just said the lines from the 'More Cowbell' SNL sketch, to myself. They sound totally off. "I got a fever" comes out so bleh. I used to say "prescription" just like him. Not any more. I sound just like me failing miserably at doing Christopher Walken.