Damn, I Screwed Up !

My Screw Ups Are Masters of Their Domain

2009-07-04T18:00:00.001-04:00

I strongly believe in my limitless potential to screw up. I have made a considerable investment towards a new home for my screw ups on the basis of this conviction. I understand that it may seem like an unreasonable gamble to many. They may find it preposterous that I could screw up any more.

I intend to prove such naysayers wrong at :

Http://DamnIScrewedUp.com

Behold! And tremble in the face of my screw ups.

Navel Lint Gazing

2007-11-12T15:48:00.000-05:00

Hm. In my quest for spiritual enlightenment, I realize that I have not made much progress today. I did get a little introspection done. Also some reflection. I guess daydreaming and falling asleep while eating lumpy cereal in front of the TV could count as meditation. Also, I like to chew my food a lot before I swallow. So I guess rumination is covered right there. Oh hey, funnily shaped piece of dandruff. And right there, I actually just managed to squeeze some contemplation into my schedule. I now need some more self-absorption. And an aromatherapy kit.

Brooding and Mysterious

2007-11-11T16:41:00.000-05:00

I racked up yet another significant achievement last night: I finally remembered to take a shower. However, I was so overwhelmed by my accomplishment that I collapsed into bed and fell asleep with my hair still wet. This evening, I woke up to find that lacking the strong paternal authority of the hair-dryer, my hair escaped from juvie and vandalized itself. Today, Don King has better hair than me. But wait! This can only enhance my Misunderstood Poet street cred! All I need is some angst and a substance-abuse problem. I already got the beat-up vintage coat.

Dear Santa

2007-11-10T23:45:00.000-05:00

Although I have made considerable improvements over last week through diligent application and close study, I forgot to flush the toilet after I used it, for the fourth time this week. This Christmas, I shall ask for the gift of basic hygiene.

Din-Din Does Me In

2007-11-09T22:53:00.000-05:00

I had a satisfying and nutritious dinner of many ice cream sandwiches tonight. As I feared, I am now hearing several rumbles of discontent from the help working below my waistline. Leave it to the proles to totally miss the big picture. Thanks for sabotaging my grand new plans to have all-dessert meals from now on, tummy. Excuse me for thinking you could handle a little extra fat and sugar in return for a warm glow of well-being. You agitator types just have no vision.

Sock Sorrow

2007-11-09T22:34:00.000-05:00

I don't believe this. It turns out that the saga of my long suffering shirt has a sudden and poignant twist: my socks have remained unchanged since yesterday. And to think that all this time while I was duped into feeling so much sympathy for my shirt's problems, my socks are the real victims here! My socks' tales of trauma are way more moving than those of some mere shirt. What those socks have endured. Dear God. Get over it, shirt. We all have problems.

Everything is Ruined

2007-11-09T11:46:00.000-05:00

I have forgotten the words to the 'Golden Girls' theme song. Now I will never know why some lady thanks someone for being a friend. What did this friend do? Did this friend pay for all the body shots every time the Golden Girls went out? Did this friend bail out Bea Arthur and Betty White when they got busted for curb-stomping a rude bouncer? Did this friend help Estelle Getty and Rue McClanahan get new passports for their Colombian trip so Estelle could bring back bags of powdered sugar and baking soda to make her famous carrot cake? Who can tell?

Longtime Companion

2007-11-08T21:25:00.000-05:00

I have worn the same shirt for four days now. Or is it five? Time can be so mysterious. Who can understand the way it flows? So hard to pin it down to something as ephemeral as a few days.
Who can say when I'll wash this shirt, when I'll rinse the dirt?
Only time.
Enya should write a song for my shirt. You know actually, maybe for my deodorant instead. It works a lot harder.

A Pyrrhic Victory Over An Uppity Onion

2007-11-08T21:07:00.001-05:00

I am conflicted. I was frying some onions but I ended up burning them. Hmm, a setback, to be sure. On the other hand, my undisputed superiority over the vegetable kingdom continues. I feel a sense of satisfaction knowing that as much as the members of this rotund, yet startlingly unapologetic, family make my eyes sting as I chop them, I can still burn them to cinders. Yeahhh, onions, make me cry now, bitch! Oh that's right, you can't. I just turned you into charcoal. Who's weeping now, you crunchy sulfurous bulbs?
Oh crap, they're gonna taste so bad.

Living on the Edge

2007-11-08T17:57:00.000-05:00

Mother of God, I reached up to scratch my eye and my hot-sauce anointed finger almost touched it before I realized what I was about to do and I totally yelled "S-tt-o-o-opp-p" and my finger only got an eyelash instead. Now, If I can keep myself from blinking for the rest of the day, I should be able to get through this trauma just fine without getting up to rinse my eyelash and finger. It should be a challenge to refrain from blinking for the next four hours. But I'll do it. Because I believe in freedom.

Spicy Keyboard

2007-11-08T17:41:00.000-05:00

I have made an uncharacteristic lapse of judgment. I typed away on my keyboard with my hot-sauce anointed fingers. Finally, my keyboard will go great with hot dogs.

I Make Contact With An Ancient Enemy

2007-11-08T17:33:00.000-05:00

I am filled with seething resentment against the smug lid of the bottle of hot sauce that is my constant companion as I toil at my desk. The nozzle of the lid is covered in a primordial goo of hot sauce drops from many moons ago. As I reached out to give the bottle a reassuring pat, I touched the goo encapsulating the nozzle instead. Now, my finger is sticky and gummy and covered in primordial hot sauce goo from many moons ago.

Burrito of Death

2007-11-07T22:17:00.002-05:00

My burrito just attacked me. But I endured. Burrito waited until I had downgraded my usual Anti-Falling-Food Threat Level rating from Lilac Dream to Coral Wonder and then...Burrito unleashed a ZRG 4000 Beanatron Mouthful straight from my open mouth down to my pants. NOOOOooo...No, not my white-striped pants ! Pantsy, don't you die on me, stay awake, don't close your eyes...But then, in a singular act of courage and determination, I scooped up the fallen piece from my leg, and I ate it. And that too in slow motion. In yo' face, tasty snack! THIS IS SPARTAAAA

My Left Foot

2007-11-07T20:29:00.000-05:00

I sat on my left leg for too long today. My left foot is rather numb. If I had a foot fetish, I could give myself the foot version of The Stranger.

Plastic for The People

2007-11-06T21:57:00.001-05:00

I forgot to activate my new check card and the old one expired. If anybody asks why I'm not paying for anything, I shall explain that I am taking a stand against the rampant greed of this evil consumerist society and I'm striking from now on against the wretched exploitation that comes from paying for stuff I want. Someone has to be a visionary, a pioneer and take a stand against big corporations that profit from brainwashing us into mindless simpletons!
Note to self: borrow five bucks for new Scooby-doo toothbrush and drinking cup set.

Alas...

2007-11-06T21:53:00.000-05:00

I lost a sock this morning. Good bye, friend sock. Your odor absorbing capabilities will be greatly missed. May you play happily in the great dryer in the sky with my dearly beloved Spongebob underwear.

I Scream for Ice Scream

2007-11-06T21:37:00.000-05:00

I recently consumed a fairly large quantity of ice cream using a quick and efficient technique of bites and gobbles that I developed. The biggest advantage of this technique is that it leaves your hands free to pursue other very productive and personally gratifying work. Sadly though, tests reveal that a significant portion of the ice cream ends up on the eater's face and not just the gullet. The quest for the George from Seinfeld Trifecta of Pleasure continues...

I Haven't Posted To This Blog Since Last Summer

2007-04-14T07:42:00.000-04:00

Damn, I guess I screwed up.

Just Say No To Constipation

2007-04-14T07:28:00.000-04:00

I OD'd on Immodium two days ago. Kids, I know all your buddies at school might tell you to just go swallow an Immodium pill when you don't feel so good. It's all part of this ridiculous 'if it feels good, do it' moral relativism crap that hippies have been throwing at us. But all the cool kids do it, you say. Hey think about this: maybe it's cool to stay away from Immodium. Maybe you can just contain urgent gut-busting diarrhea by getting high on life. That way you'll live a productive life exploring your limitless potential to poo when you need to.

I Kill Some Innocent Ramen

2006-05-11T12:25:00.000-04:00

In a senseless and random act of destruction, I inflicted mayhem upon the ramen noodle community. Last night I burned a pot of ramen as it stood cooking upon the stove. The close-knit ramen packet neighborhood is said to be devastated. Many of the council members have called for vengeance. If I ever reach for a ramen packet again, there'll be a slippery noodle on the floor with my name on it.

Burger Trouble

2006-05-08T23:28:00.000-04:00

At an outdoor bbq, I made myself a delicious burger. I ate half of it. Then I lost it.
Burger, if you're reading this, I want you back baby. I swear, I'll treat you good from now on.

Geriatric Tomato

2006-05-06T13:30:00.000-04:00

This tomato I bought a while ago has gotten really old and wrinkly and soggy. His prognosis is quite negative. Sooner or later I will have to admit him into my trash can. At least there he'll have lots of other decayed vegetable matter for company.

Nailed !

2006-05-06T13:28:00.000-04:00

My fingernails are way too long. So they hurt me when I sneak in a quick discreet ass-scratch. Which takes all the fun out of the quick discreet ass scratch.

Lost

2006-05-06T13:25:00.000-04:00

I went and lost four rechargeable batteries today. I have no idea where they are. Where the hell do lost things go? I wonder if this could be counted as evidence towards a parallel universe.

Goddammit

2006-05-05T00:08:00.000-04:00

I did not update my blog today, and I had all these cool fuck ups.

I Get My Ass Kicked By Mouthwash

2006-05-03T18:27:00.000-04:00

I just rinsed my mouth with Listerine mouthwash and while the bottle says to keep rinsing for thirty seconds, I couldn't. The mouthwash stung so bad, I had to spit it out in fifteen seconds. I'm off to film my training montage where I train my mouth to hold Listerine for more and more time. It would culminate in a slow motion shot of me spitting out mouthwash with an exhausted face and pulsating cheeks as I hold up a stop clock that has stopped at thirty seconds.

My Hair is B-A-D, Bad !

2006-05-03T11:04:00.000-04:00

I should send my hair to Sally Jessy Raphael if it keeps disobeying me. Then Sally would send it to boot camp and it would come back reformed and frizz-free. As it is now, it gives me a bad attitude, talks back, gets bad grades, hangs out with the wrong crowd, and I gotta somehow stop its slide into iniquity before it goes and gets pregnant.

My Biggest Screw Up So Far

2006-05-02T23:08:00.000-04:00

Since I enjoy nurturing my intellectual side, I watched an Ingmar Bergman movie today. The movie was about an anguished gentleman who spends ninety movie minutes in great angst and misery despite the fact that he inhabits a spectacular island retreat with a babelicious young Swedish blonde. Some people screw up way more than I do. Also, having learnt my lesson, I shall return to my roots and watch only Adam Sandler movies.

Vegetables Are Tricky Bastards

2006-05-02T22:58:00.000-04:00

As part of a healthy diet, I rapidly consumed about half a pound of spinach a few minutes ago. I have just been informed that the remainder is quite stinky. Clearly, I need to update my knowledge of the symptoms of plant decay.

Trash Monkey

2006-05-02T09:52:00.000-04:00

While pushing a large pile of trash from one side of my couch to the other, I sprained my back.

CSI, My Dirty Bathroom

2006-05-02T01:24:00.000-04:00

A recent investigation has confirmed my worst suspicions. I have run out of toothpaste.

My Bag of Raisins

2006-05-01T11:10:00.000-04:00

This morning I awoke to discover that my plastic bag full of raisins is torn at the bottom and hapless raisins are scattered everywhere. I was looking forward to a decent raisin breakfast.

I Pissed Off My Printer

2006-04-30T22:26:00.000-04:00

I had to print something two pages long last evening. I realized that while I was at it, I might as well save the rainforest and kill two birds. So I decided to print on one page, flip the sheet over and print on the other side, thus conserving paper. It didn't work. The printer printed twice on the same side. This happened six times. I guess I'll have to move on to eradicating poverty.

WTF Happened to My Christopher Walken Impression ??

2006-04-30T01:35:00.000-04:00

My God. I am shattered. My Christopher Walken impression has gone. I just said the lines from the 'More Cowbell' SNL sketch, to myself. They sound totally off. "I got a fever" comes out so bleh. I used to say "prescription" just like him. Not any more. I sound just like me failing miserably at doing Christopher Walken.

Onions Make Already Bad Breath Intolerable

2006-04-30T00:47:00.000-04:00

It's true. Someone just spoke to me and abruptly swung his face away from me like he had just been shot in the face. He quickly backed away from me while sporting a very scrunched up face and holding his breath. This event occurred after I had eaten a lot of onions in the evening, having neglected to brush my teeth all day.
Hm. I have learned something useful.

Can It Be?

2006-04-30T00:45:00.000-04:00

Have I really forgotten to brush my teeth all day today? I need to be more conscientious.

As God Is My Witness, I Will Never Sleep In A Bathroom Again

2006-04-29T13:57:00.001-04:00

I worried that I would end up puking in my bed because I was nauseous from overdosing on potassium supplements. So I slept in the bathroom for an hour last night with a pile of smelly laundry, several magazines, a bathmat, my stalwart comrade the pail, and a friendly bottle of Tub and Tile Cleaner. Of the lot, the bathmate was the one who really liked to cuddle. The pile of dirty laundry was very rude and kept sticking its finger in my ass.

Potassium - Such An Enigma

2006-04-29T13:09:00.000-04:00

Late last night, I decided to take control of my internal fluid and electrolyte balance system. So I took a few potassium tablets. In a few minutes, I felt extraordinarily nauseous. Also I desperately needed to go to the bathroom. I pulled up a pail in front of me while I sat on the er...potty.
I thought the only thing that could redeem this situation, and give me a story I could tell for years in drunken company, was if I managed to pull off the highly coveted and rare Poop-And-Puke Double Whammy Shockaroo.
But I didn't. Sigh.

Time Is My Enemy

2006-04-28T22:45:00.000-04:00

Also I told my friends I'd meet them at the bowling alley in ten minutes. I talked to them five minutes ago. The bowling alley is fifteen minutes away. I'm wearing dirty clothes and I haven't showered. I better not raise my arms to give anyone a high five. Or I should remember to wear deodorant.

I Am A Raging Typhoon Of Sleepiness

2006-04-28T22:41:00.000-04:00

I went to bed late last night. So now I am really sleepy. But I told some friends I would go bowling with them. Yargh.

Down With Pondering !

2006-04-28T17:29:00.000-04:00

I am not sure how much I fucked up when that mover guy got pissed off. I cannot stop pondering this issue.
Shit, that's two fuck ups now from interacting with that mover guy. I wonder if the third fuck up would be to go and hire him.

Mover's Math. Yech.

2006-04-28T17:10:00.000-04:00

While talking to a mover and asking for hourly rates, the guy told me that there was an additional charge for every 15 minutes after the first hour, with the hourly rate being $120. So I asked if the 15 minute rate thing was calculated as 120 divided by 60. And he said in an annoyed tone, "Or 120 divided by 4". 15 times 4 is 60. It has been burned into my brain, thanks to the pissed off mover guy.

Poor Teabags

2006-04-28T16:05:00.000-04:00

I have erred. I forgot to mention that after fucking up my teakettle yesterday, I drank the tea that I had made, only this morning. And I haven't done anything about the teabags. They're still curled in a fetal position in the teacup.

Mmmfff

2006-04-28T13:13:00.000-04:00

Every few weeks I make a solemn vow to stay the hell away from drinking ice-cold water. I broke it again just now and I have paid the price.
My front teeth hurt somewhat and my gums feel cold.

Ouch, My Leg

2006-04-28T12:56:00.000-04:00

When I was getting up to leave this desk, my leg hit the bottom edge hard and loudly, thus startling the person sitting near by. One day I will learn how to move in a snake-like fashion. I would find that empowering.

Why Is This Girl Looking At Me?

2006-04-28T12:49:00.000-04:00

I wanna know. Is it my hair?

Damn You, Summer

2006-04-28T12:19:00.000-04:00

Today I was talking to someone when my allergies stopped to say hi. I had to frequently wipe and blow my nose alternating with that awful runny-nose juicy honk. It is always too late to tell whether one made those very visible snot strands from nostril to tissue. Also the ugly giant mass of napkin I used looks so gross.
But fate threw me a bone. The other person burped.

But...

2006-04-27T22:51:00.000-04:00

I thought it was 7:45 pm. Turns out it's 10:45. How did it get so late so soon? Isn't it supposed to take longer to get so late?

Today I Look Bad

2006-04-27T21:24:00.000-04:00

I wandered around in the bus all day today looking vaguely disreputable.

Shit, I Fucked Up My Kettle

2006-04-27T21:14:00.000-04:00

I burnt my teakettle today. I left it on the stove too long. There's chips of yellow kettle paint all over the range. Today I learned that I suck at boiling water.
I will post pictures asap.