Thursday, May 11, 2006

I Kill Some Innocent Ramen

In a senseless and random act of destruction, I inflicted mayhem upon the ramen noodle community. Last night I burned a pot of ramen as it stood cooking upon the stove. The close-knit ramen packet neighborhood is said to be devastated. Many of the council members have called for vengeance. If I ever reach for a ramen packet again, there'll be a slippery noodle on the floor with my name on it.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Burger Trouble

At an outdoor bbq, I made myself a delicious burger. I ate half of it. Then I lost it.
Burger, if you're reading this, I want you back baby. I swear, I'll treat you good from now on.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Geriatric Tomato

This tomato I bought a while ago has gotten really old and wrinkly and soggy. His prognosis is quite negative. Sooner or later I will have to admit him into my trash can. At least there he'll have lots of other decayed vegetable matter for company.

Nailed !

My fingernails are way too long. So they hurt me when I sneak in a quick discreet ass-scratch. Which takes all the fun out of the quick discreet ass scratch.

Lost

I went and lost four rechargeable batteries today. I have no idea where they are. Where the hell do lost things go? I wonder if this could be counted as evidence towards a parallel universe.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Goddammit

I did not update my blog today, and I had all these cool fuck ups.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

I Get My Ass Kicked By Mouthwash

I just rinsed my mouth with Listerine mouthwash and while the bottle says to keep rinsing for thirty seconds, I couldn't. The mouthwash stung so bad, I had to spit it out in fifteen seconds. I'm off to film my training montage where I train my mouth to hold Listerine for more and more time. It would culminate in a slow motion shot of me spitting out mouthwash with an exhausted face and pulsating cheeks as I hold up a stop clock that has stopped at thirty seconds.

My Hair is B-A-D, Bad !

I should send my hair to Sally Jessy Raphael if it keeps disobeying me. Then Sally would send it to boot camp and it would come back reformed and frizz-free. As it is now, it gives me a bad attitude, talks back, gets bad grades, hangs out with the wrong crowd, and I gotta somehow stop its slide into iniquity before it goes and gets pregnant.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

My Biggest Screw Up So Far

Since I enjoy nurturing my intellectual side, I watched an Ingmar Bergman movie today. The movie was about an anguished gentleman who spends ninety movie minutes in great angst and misery despite the fact that he inhabits a spectacular island retreat with a babelicious young Swedish blonde. Some people screw up way more than I do. Also, having learnt my lesson, I shall return to my roots and watch only Adam Sandler movies.

Vegetables Are Tricky Bastards

As part of a healthy diet, I rapidly consumed about half a pound of spinach a few minutes ago. I have just been informed that the remainder is quite stinky. Clearly, I need to update my knowledge of the symptoms of plant decay.

Trash Monkey

While pushing a large pile of trash from one side of my couch to the other, I sprained my back.

CSI, My Dirty Bathroom

A recent investigation has confirmed my worst suspicions. I have run out of toothpaste.

Monday, May 01, 2006

My Bag of Raisins

This morning I awoke to discover that my plastic bag full of raisins is torn at the bottom and hapless raisins are scattered everywhere. I was looking forward to a decent raisin breakfast.